Healing…is…not…for…the…WEAK. It’s been a while now and I decided that I was tired of being a victim and that it was time to take my power back. I thought that this was going to be a pretty decent process but boy was I wrong…I have never cried, broken down, or been so busy with learning how to properly express my emotions as much as I have this past year. The entire reason that I started this blog was to “write my way to healing”. This blog has been such a blessing to me for that very regard and for that I am thankful. In the past, I wouldn’t have been able to handle some of the things that have been thrown my way and I am learning how to do it more and more everyday.

The funny thing about healing is that it comes in waves and some days, I feel that I am making such progress and then I will see a certain person or some negative comments about me will get back to me and I feel like a bull in a China shop that could just tear everything up! LOL The thing that I learned was that I have changed…in the most drastic way. I no longer tolerate people’s foolishness and I hold them accountable for the way that they treat me and my loved ones. With that same expectation, I have to be a mature adult and also hope that people hold me accountable for my actions as well. That A-word (accountability) stings but it is absolutely necessary to have in all relationships. I deal with depression and anxiety and I didn’t feel comfortable sharing that with my family members because I didn’t feel safe to. I felt that they wouldn’t understand what I was going through and I was embarrassed. I had always been the one that made everyone laugh, was there for everyone whenever they needed me, rearranged my plans to accommodate, and the list could go on and on. At the end of the day, I can’t blame anyone for anything that I allowed to happen. I was a certified people-pleaser and I thought that I was living my best life. When the depression and anxiety hit, I became a hermit and kept to myself. I didn’t even have the energy to be there for myself, much less others.

I have to be accountable that many people did not know how to take how I changed and that’s when the wedges began. During this time, and even more prevalent today, I have never felt more lonely. At times, I feel that no one is on the road with me as I have always been the person to check on others but when others don’t hear from me, they automatically say negative things instead of stopping to think that I was going through something really serious. But something beautiful happened in the midst of all of that depression, sadness, and anxiety…I felt myself level up. I felt that the devil was trying to attack me because God had a special assignment on my life and the devil wanted to deter me from the greatness that God promised me. I’ve always heard that God will sometimes separate you in order to elevate you and I am now seeing this in real time.

God revealed to me what my calling is in the middle of my earthly hell. When I began to work in that element, then I saw doors begin to open. Not only did I see doors open, but I saw some SLAM right in my face that I just KNEW was for me. God has a funny way of letting you know that He is in control and that I ain’t moving until HE SAYS SO! When the doors slam and I feel alone, I try to think of the fact that I am loved and that even though my life has drastically changed, I can adjust and know that God is always in control. Forgiveness is something that I struggle with because I would never do or treat my loved ones the way that I was treated but in the same breath, my spirit receives conviction because I know that God could say the same thing about me. I am by no means perfect and I know that I have disappointed Him at times in my life and I get checked real quick. I am a work in progress and I am working towards forgiveness and accepting that I can’t change what happened to me but I can control how much space that I allow it to take up in my brain and my heart.

First, I forgive myself for allowing disrespect and toxicity into my life and for my lack of boundaries. Now, I am working on the allowing others to have dominion over my mind and my thought processes about myself…that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I wasn’t “light enough”, that I wasn’t skinny enough, and that I generally wasn’t enough. I was always enough…I may have been too much for some and I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I am someone’s cup of coffee. I walk with my head held high and I will not allow ANYONE to ever dim my light again. I am beautiful created by God and I wouldn’t change a thing about my spirit and my heart. I leave you all with this quote, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”–Frederick Douglass

My entire life has been a struggle…now it’s time to see the progression of Brittany…stay tuned!